I am so weird. Listen if you ask my husband or girls that I have been able to disciple over the years, they would be the first to tell you how weird I am. I can come across as a goof ball and that I love to joke around… but I am seriously down-right weird.
I think I have been like this since I was younger. Everyone has those memories stored away in the back of our brains from childhood and no joke, I look back at mine and every single one of them is weird. My mom likes to tell me that I was just creative and had a good imagination. But she is my mom and half my genes are hers, so im pretty sure she just says that to make her feel better about herself. My sister use to sing into our computer microphone and record herself singing. (you know when that was the “new” thing on computers) I would listen to them, make fun of her and laugh at her inability to know the actual words to songs. Little did I know, I would find out later in life (basically when I got married and someone felt comfortable telling me how the word I just said doesn’t exist) that I was SO WRONG about so many things and not just song lyrics.
That in itself isn’t too weird, but I realized that each word that I thought was said one way, I had a weird reason for it. For example, tonight I said “we were on the cuff of that generation.” After a blank stare for my husband and sister and laughter, they informed me that the word I was looking for was “cusp.” Naturally I defend myself and say “but the cuff is at the end of the shirt…” more blank stares. I am not stupid I promise. (Ha.) It just seems logical to me (now and as a kid) so I naturally assume that is what the word is.
My sister and I both went most our lives thinking it was “pam-flip” not “pamphlet”. I mean DUH they FLIP open! See logically in my head… my misunderstood words make sense. But the weird part is that I legit thought through each of those words. Who has a reason for why they call something, something. This weirdo. Most people hear a word are told or shown what it is and they just accept it. Apparently that was not enough for this logical weirdo.
There is no point to logic as soon as your heart is involved. That is why we as women listen to girlfriends talk on and on about ex boyfriends and possibilities of getting back together, and know how stupid of a decision it is. We are thinking logically then. But as soon as WE are in the position ourselves, logic is thrown out the window. (Note: my husband would say here that anything girls do is logical.) Sure I went through the ups and downs of illogical guy thinking during college, but the most illogical thing I have ever thought happened a few weeks ago.
Josh and I decided to go forth withthe blood work. I had it done yesterday and we are waiting the results.
We just want to give us a piece of mind that there is nothing wrong and that the miscarriages were as doctors put it (and I hate it) “just a string of bad luck”. Well that is logically how I was thinking a few weeks ago. THEN I waited to hear back from doctors as to where they wanted me to go etc, and my illogical heart started beating faster the longer I waited. I realized I WANT there to be something wrong with me. Seriously. You read that correctly.
The more I thought about things I realized and prayed that there was a reason. I need something concrete to hold on to when EVERYTHING seems to just make no sense. I needed to have a thyroid issue or blood clotting issue or worst case something that means that we can’t have kids EVER. That’s right I said it. For those of you that have had a miscarriage, you understand. You know that the hardest thing is the not knowing. It isn’t like you get an explanation every time or typically until you have 3 miscarriages in a row. (Don’t get me start on how stupid that is by the way.) Wouldn’t you just rather know if ok “hey this was the problem, this is what you do” or “hey dude, stop trying it isn’t going to happen.” EVEN if it was the latter, you could move on properly and make decisions to adopt, etc. My fear. (that’s right I said fear, I am not perfect. Fear creeps in every once in awhile) is that all my blood work will come back normal and we will get a “go ahead guys, have at it”. (ha.) I know the reality of the 50/50 chance of carrying to term. But I also know the pain and anxious heart that comes with the 50/50 chance.
I want there to be something wrong. Send me home with a pill or shot to solve the issue. Call it a day.I don’t want to be given the go ahead, assuming there is nothing wrong and step into a pregnancy just assuming everything is normal, like we have done 3 times before and find ourselves in this position again.
For those of you who have had a miscarriage, I know you understand what I am saying. For those of you who haven’t, you are probably thinking something like “just be patient, it will happen” or maybe “if you are stressed out it is going to make things so much harder” or “maybe this is just Gods way of saying that you need to stop trying”. There is NOTHING wrong with thinking those things. They are all correct things to be thinking. But it is like losing a parent or some other life altering experience; they don’t really HELP the situation. They don’t change things.
For us, we have been trying for 18 months. We get pregnant VERY easily; I just continually keep miscarrying in the first trimester. So the patient thing and the whole it will happen thing, hurts. We are being patient… and we don’t know if it will happen.
The stressed out thing, 100% true. I am seriously not an easily stressed out person. But when you are over the moon about finally holding a child of your own, physically watching your body expel that hope and dream is going to cause some stress. Especially if you decide to take the 50/50 chance that it could happen all over again.
Everything we have gone through may be God’s way of saying that we need to stop trying and we very well may stop all together. I just pray that God makes it simple. Either here is your shot/pill or something is going to prevent it from happening. The testing is something we threw around for awhile. While it is still covered, we think it is smart to get the testing done. Even if we do not do anything about the results for awhile, I think it will be good to know. It terrifies me.
But I do really want to know. While my heart wants there to be something wrong so that we can say there is a “fix”, my logical head knows we want things to come back clear. My head wants to hear the “bad luck” speech again. We are still waiting, as patiently as we possibly can. Our dreams aren’t crushed if I can’t carry our own child, we can be parents other ways. Right now we are like “parents” to 50 high school/Jr.High kids. It has affirmed our love and desire to be parents ourselves. Adoption, testing, having our own, there is always something to pray about.
But we are faithful that above it else, God’s plan is better than anyone could imagine. Way better than my heart could ever illogically dream up. I had foreign exchange student that I coached my first year at Monclova told me yesterday, “I AM SURE that God has something really really big for you guys because I know you both, something that is out of your minds and I can't wait to see it” I mean, can I get an AMEN?
