One of the things I hate most is the feeling that you haven’t
done enough.
I am one of those over achiever people pleasing type of
people. It used to be to an extreme, I would stress out for weeks if I knew
someone was mad at me or if I thought I may have done or said something wrong.
AH! It was terrible! (I am getting this pit in my stomach now just writing
about it…)
As a kid I once stressed out that a friend was mad at me so
much I threw up. When I finally apologized to that friend about whatever I did,
she didn’t even remember it. Ha. As an adult I find myself apologizing right
away for anything I think may have hurt someone, 1. Because it really isn’t my
intent to hurt anyone ever and 2. Because I want to get over that feeling of
people being mad ASAP.
I had a friend that had 2 miscarriages soon after she and
her husband got married. Both pregnancies were a complete surprise (and they
were on birth control haha!) but either way they were over the moon about them.
After she had her second one she called me to tell me so that I wasn’t finding
out through the grape vine, and my exact words were “You just have to be
patient. At least you were only a few weeks along.”
If you haven’t had a miscarriage, each of those things sound
like really valid and great advice.
If you have had a miscarriage, you may want to slap me in
the face. I know I did when I thought back through that conversation after
EVERY miscarriage we have had.
After our first miscarriage, I thought back over that
conversation and called her in tears apologizing for the words that I said to
her. I actually just called her a few weeks ago and apologized again because I realized
how much the words I speak…matter.
My sister just got married a few weeks back and I was doing
some last minute browsing at Goodwill for things we could use. I accidently
bumped into this lady, taking up over ¾ the aisle. I turned to apologize and
she beat me to it by saying, “I am so sorry I’m taking up most the aisle, who
knew you would be this massive at 8 months pregnant.” Just as she said that she
turned and showed me what seemed to be the cutest baby bump ever.
I laughed and told her no problem and apologized for running
into her. She then began to tell me about needing to buy more maternity clothes
because she didn’t anticipate being this big and about how her sister gave her
all her maternity clothes after her pregnancy. I continued to listen as she
went on to tell me that her sister miscarried at 14 weeks so obviously her
clothes wouldn’t fit someone at 8 months pregnant. I slightly smiled and then
she said “she keeps telling me her clothes aren’t too tight for me to wear
still, but what does she know, she has doesn’t know what it is like to be
pregnant.” (Had she just said “she doesn’t know what it’s like to be THIS
pregnant.” That is one thing. But know what it’s like to be pregnant period is
like a shot to the gut. )
So while standing in the aisle of goodwill I said very
politely, “I don’t know each time I was pregnant I put on 5 pounds pretty
quickly and all my clothes were too tight pretty fast.” This very pregnant
woman responded “oh! You have kids?” and I shook my head and said “unfortunately
no, I have had 3 miscarriages. It was a very awkward couple of seconds before
our conversation was officially over and she walked away from me.
Now, looking back I am
sure there was a more soft spoken way to respond to her (and I later saw her in
the store and apologized if I made her uncomfortable) but in that second what
she said about her sister, who I know nothing about, hurt my heart.
I have been pregnant for a total of 29 weeks in my life. Do I
know what it is like to be 8 months pregnant? No. But I sure know what it is
like to be pregnant. Do I know what it is like to hold my child in my arms? No.
But I do know what it is like to be so caring for your child that you worry
about it every step of its tiny life.
I never want to seem like the spinster infertile woman on a
rampage trying to make everyone understand what I have been through and give me
a pity party. It is actually the opposite. I know how bad I felt after saying
such insensitive words to someone going through such a tough time, now that I have
experienced it myself. No woman purposely wants to make another woman feel bad
(or I hope not) about something like miscarriages, pregnancy or the loss of a
child. I want to tell and explain my experiences so that it may help others know
how to respond to a woman experiencing the same thing without crushing them
with the “normal” responses.
I called my friend, who I still feel so bad for saying those
useless words to, and apologized again. I still feel bad that I was so insensitive.
The people pleaser in me wants her to know over and over again how sorry I am
that I caused her pain by thinking what she was going through was not
important. (She has actually told me countless times to stop apologizing)
The words that you speak matter. They can make someone’s day
or they can ruin it. Did that lady know that she was talking to someone who has
had 3 miscarriages and what she was going to say would hurt my heart? No. Would
she have said it had she known? Probably not. But were they encouraging words
about her sister either way? No.
Your words matter. Even when you don’t think that they do.
