say hello to awkward

I can’t think of moment in my life that I have been asked to talk more because I was being too quite. I’m a talker. This has happened to get me in trouble many times in my life. Including all of the moments where my husband and I are laying in bed and I refuse to quit talking. The poor guy is done listening and talking about 2 hours into his work day with junior highers. Man, do they know how to talk, it’s almost inspiring. But naturally when you are a talker and everyone that knows you knows this, the moment you start to get a little quiet, people know there is something really wrong.

For me it was experiencing something you never thought you would have to deal with to get me super quiet, a miscarriage. That word probably made you a little uncomfortable. It could be maybe because you have had one or because you know nothing about it OR because you grew up in a generation that things like this weren’t talked about. I know that word made me a little uneasy when I was single and dreaming about what my life was going to be like. I mean people say all the time, “I didn’t think that was going to happen to me”. But for me, I was REALLY positive it was never going to happen to me and my future husband. I heard, very rarely, of women who were experiencing a miscarriage and I immediately wanted to change the subject if it was brought up.  It is awkward to talk about a woman experiencing a loss of a child. No one is comfortable with that kind of a loss. So naturally, when you receive the news that you are now among the 30% of all pregnancies end in miscarriage statistic, you are in a state of shock and awkwardness. The shock is pretty self explanatory if you look up at the “I didn’t think it was going to happen to me” statement. The awkwardness is hard to put words to, until you have been there.

My grandparents have this club house that we use to play in ALL the time as a kid. My sister, best friend and I had a “no boys allowed” club. Seriously, that was the name. Thank several hours of reading the babysitters club books for the creativity. We use to hold “meetings” which really consisted of coloring on the walls or planning for attacks that the neighborhood boys may make against us. But it was a club. I knew the members and I was co- president. Having a miscarriage is like being in a super top secret club that you go to meetings with a blindfold on and earplugs in. It’s not a club that you want to be a part of. In fact you run out to your car after the meeting in hopes that no one sees you. So for a talker, in a club like this, bring on the awkwardness.

I have been tossing the idea around for a little while about starting a blog. (By the way the last sentence is probably the number one most over used statements on all opening blog pages.) At first I thought maybe to start one to look back on years from now at our first years of marriage. But I have facebook for that. Then we got pregnant and I thought “ok now I will start one to show our kids later in life”. Then I experienced our first miscarriage and I searched for days to find blogs of other women who were experiencing the same thing. Just an outlet to help me through the place in life I was currently experiencing. I came across several of them. Some were women who had experienced upwards of 6 miscarriages, some not being able to conceive at all, and some were of women who had given up hope of ever having children. I kept feeling like nothing applied to where I was exactly. Then when we experienced our 2^nd miscarriage, I posted something on facebook about what we were experiencing. I received mixed reviews on whether or not I should even have said anything. At first I felt guilty for making people feel uncomfortable, and then I just keep getting this feeling that this SHOULDN’T be something that makes us uncomfortable or awkward.

Thus begins my blog. It is not meant in any way to make you uncomfortable or awkward but maybe to help educate you. Hopefully it helps women who have or will experience a miscarriage in their life. So yes, there will be baby things and miscarriage things and things josh and I experience in life from here on out. Hopefully, it helps some of the healing hearts.