Josh and I meet on Word of Life Island. It's a Christian teen camp that is on an island in the middle of a lake, surrounded by mountains in upstate New York. I can't even explain how beautiful it is. Josh served 5 consecutive summers and I have done 3. It was one of the biggest blessings that I have ever experienced. I have friends that I would never have had without those summers and people that I look up to so very much just from watching them serve so many years on the Island.
Part of the experience for kids and the counselors are the CRAZY activities that you get to take part in. My second summer I was a counselor (literally I lived with teenage girls for 8 weeks straight), one of my campers (cough cough, taylor mastin....) talked me into participating in a push up contest with her. "SURE! We will do it together!" Little did I know she was pulling me up there to have ME do push ups with HER in my back. I did not sign up for this. But I did it. All 5'4, 135lbs of me did what seemed like 100 pushups with her on my back. (I think it was like 10.. haha) I felt so strong. Seriously. I stood up after beating a girl that I thought was going to smoke me in this, super proud of myself.
THEN I woke up the next morning, regretting not stretching before hand and allowing her to talk me into doing that. I couldn't even lift my arms above my head. (FYI, this camper laughed at me when I begged her for help changing because I couldn't pull my teeshirt over my head) I FELT STRONG and a little stupid. Then I woke up and the reality of what I had just done, really sunk in and I was in physical pain.
Both previous pregnancies we have had we found out by ultrasound that our precious babies had stopped growing and no longer had a beating heart. Every time we are scheduled for an ultrasound (even just writing this) puts a pit in my stomach and I get physically ill. The biggest we have ever seen any of our babies was at 7 weeks 1 day. We don't know what it is like to go in and see a baby moving, kicking, waving, or sucking on its thumb. I go in every ultrasound praying we see growth and a heartbeat.
This past Friday was our first ultrasound. I woke up, went to work, and had to keep busy to prevent myself from thinking about it. When I got home, we ate, (I'm pregnant if I don't eat every 2 hours I hate life) and then got in the car to drive to the hospital for my ultrasound. I kept asking Josh if he was nervous or felt sick. He kept saying he was ok, which made me feel a little better. Once we got there they took up to the ultrasound area. (also just a fun story, we both had on teal shirts and white shorts/pants and the old lady escorting us made fun of us for matching and asked if we planned it, cool, old lady...)
Finally once in with the ultrasound tech, she informed us that she saw the gestational sac and yolk sac but did not see a fetal pole, which means no baby yet. Obviously I panicked inside and I felt sick again. She told us that it was common not to see it before 6 weeks so not to worry. But I should be right at 6 weeks I kept thinking, something is wrong. We got out to the car after a long walk down those hallways, nearly in tears of worry, and I realized something. Both previous pregnancies I was always measuring like 5 days behind what my last monthly period said I should be. PLUS I know I ovulate late and I am pretty sure I implant late. So I probably am only like 5 weeks 3 or 4 days-ish.
There is something about a miscarriage that brings on panic. For me, I have known since I was young that I wanted to be a mom. I always babysat, I was a nanny at one point, and I LOVE holding babies. Finding out I was pregnant the first time was a dream come true. Two miscarriages later, I have a lot of panic to go around. What if I will never be a mom? If I cant carry a pregnancy to term? What if adoption is our only option and we can't afford it? Its a lot to sink in if you let it.
I know a few women that have children and then have miscarried who share some of the same panic. They had always planned on having a big family, what if they can only have 2? Their worry is just as valid as mine. So is the woman who has miscarriages run in their family and is terrified to walk down that road as well. These are legitimate concerns.
I have been told that I am so strong and courageous for writing this blog. I am not strong. A strong woman wouldn't worry and panic when anything looks like it isn't going perfect. I would be able to stand up and say that I was ok with whatever the outcome. I would be able to enjoy walking into a room with an ultrasound machine. My heart wouldn't hurt every time there is a parents only event at church or with friends and I realize that I still can't attend. So no, I am not strong.
I am weak. But I am able to get through and push through because I have decided to give my desires and moments of panic or anxiousness to God. I understand that you may feel like that is just a line. But I am being sincere. It isn't just something I am saying to help me get through the day. I believe that, like the bible says, God knew each of us before we were even in the womb. (Jeremiah 1:5) God is in control. That is such a relief to be because in this whole journey I have realized more than ever that I am NOT in control. If I was, we would have 2 children already. Our father's day would look a little different than it did today. Truthfully, I do not want to be in control, I mess things up and God knows exactly what He is doing and doesn't mess up.
Sometimes doing the easy thing, like perhaps stopping at the first miscarriage, would sound simple. But sometimes the hard things, the things that seem impossible bring upon the biggest blessings. Every woman who has experienced a miscarriage has to decide if it is worth it to try again. What is the stopping point?
It is different for each person. So if you don't understand the decisions that need to be made that is ok. But please don't judge the woman who has decided to continue trying after 2 miscarriages or 6. It isn't your place to judge where that couple is in life or the road they are taking to being parents. It hurts. Your pregnancies may have been successful the first time around and what a blessing, but no 2 roads are the same.
The girl that I mentioned earlier that manipulated (that's the perfect word for it too) into doing the push ups, is now serving on Word of Life Island this coming summer. She is going to have a chance to impact kids lives. She told me this past winter when she came to visit me that she wanted to love on girls the way I loved on her. It was 2 weeks that I lived with and loved on her. Was it easy to love on high school girls 24/7 for 16 weeks? Oh goodness no. But the determination, the hard work, the moments where I felt strong, the moments where I cried, the moments where I felt stupid, the moment I cried out to God, were all worth it.
I am not expecting this road to be easy, just worth it.
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